It's the first and not the first time

The winding down of things. Such a natural and emotional occasion we rarely are properly dressed for. I feel the good Lord likes to save up all those coupons of 'happenings' for the end event sometimes. Nothing like a good shake on the shoulders before I begin my new ride to prepare me for what has been done before but will not be done the same. And since life is a huge literary metaphor and/or irony, I actually do have a new ride. Long story short, though I cannot afford school, traveling, or even an original sized Jamba, I may now be able to fit 4 friends and not 3 in my new coupe de random. 

One could see, this summer is filled with conundrums and revelations.  For instance, I've recently learned the emotion that I'm really fond of is to miss--which I find fitting for the summer of distance, longing, and dreaming. I had a conversation with a good guy pal on it and in hopes he didn't think I was too frilly, I quickly defended my belief system before he could prevail in tearing it all down with my imagined sneer and gruff. Against what seemed to be all odds, he agreed. And he even put the best two cents in by modestly noting "It's what makes us human."  Honestly, I got to say I couldn't tell you exactly what he meant at the time, but I knew exactly how I felt. But I had to expand more on this 'miss.' 

To miss someone is to yearn and ache for their presence. 

To wonder of how their experiences without you made them see the world. 

To hope the reality they saw made no sense because they couldn't see pass their daydreaming of you. 

How does that not hoop and holler sadness?  But then again, during my questioning I came to think, doesn't it take the slightest amount of sadness to want a lot of happiness? I know I've learned that this summer o' growth/friendships/love/trust/hopes/challenges/ has put into perspective how adament the human spirit is on being well. 

Thus the conundrums and revelations. The conuntions. 

To add, this summer I've concocted some type of impervious charm that has given me the confidence to be ridiculous, to be impassable upon people and things I encounter to potentially tear me down. To willingly admit when I'm wrong, to be bold when I'm certain to be overlooked, to be completely vulnerable when I already have a good handful of pride saved, and to say words like sneer and gruff with a straight and confident face. I guess I'm digging this shvitz I'm on and I want to invite you to hop in my corolla and see the way I have learned to see and understand for just a moment. And despite the message of, "thou shall want to miss," I encourage you to not miss out on this open invitation.

Conundrumingly this all makes sense. 

Missing you, 

T

To see my car, go to:

 http://autos.yahoo.com/2008_toyota_corolla_s_5_spd_mt-slideshow/?  tab=gen&i=exrrpass75&a=all#imgs

 

For definition of Impervious Charm,

 See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spells_in_Harry_Potter 

Made in love, not China.

I've not only found myself with love embedded in all my question marks I store, but I've discovered I'm made in love, and as though that is not enough weight to carry, I am to love others, consequently while they are all busy staring googly eyed at each other. But love is patient and kind my friends, so I'll wait and be a nice girl. And while I'm sitting on this what seems to be customized bench, I avoid looking lonely by getting up and pacing the concrete, but my shoes are thin and my feet are burning, all because nothing is easy.

Admitting such a universal truth is an outright humiliation and accomplishment but most importantly, it strips us of any righteous indignation we conjure up because we want to feel in control. Vulnerability runs too sparse in other's and myself  but it's the very thing that saves us. I want to be so vulnerable I refuse to hold back anything when you look at me, I'd  put myself on the outside just to be able to enjoy what may lie on the inside, and I'd accept the fact that I don't know what I want, even though  I knew I didn't want  that one guy.

 I don't want want to try, I want to be still but continue to move you, others, and myself.

Sit the Lord says. 'Go and make Disciples,' that I can do, but sit? Really? Anything but that I tell Him. But the path he has laid before me that I can potentially stay and tread on is appealing and I'm thinking I'm going to need feet for such a march, so I sit and wait and be a nice girl. 

In Hymn we trust

I think the Bible is the most creative and intuitive piece or writing ever. 

It has a magical talent of igniting your bones but only during specific times of the day, month, year, and/or even lifetime. I happened to experience this special juncture occasion about 23 hours ago. He is with me and waits to surprise me right when I have no faith in myself with how I handle my faith, by graciously having faith in me. 

This Psalm is ridiculous and every word makes my insides spark. He knows what we need and he knows where to lead and to think I didn't get the whole shepherd thing until 23 hours and 49 minutes ago. 

PSALM 23

  The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

  He makes me lie down in green pastures, 
       he leads me beside quiet waters,

  he restores my soul. 
       He guides me in paths of righteousness 
       for his name's sake.

  Even though I walk 
       through the valley of the shadow of death, 
       I will fear no evil, 
       for you are with me; 
       your rod and your staff, 
       they comfort me.

  You prepare a table before me 
       in the presence of my enemies. 
       You anoint my head with oil; 
       my cup overflows.

  Surely goodness and love will follow me 
       all the days of my life, 
       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 
       forever.